Parenting: Touching the Hearts of Our Youth

I've felt like I've learned a lot more this week as I have prepared more for class discussions. The topic was on parenting and especially parenting with teens. The purposes of parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in society. And eternally to help them become like Heavenly Father. There are 4 character traits that we need as parents and children: courage, cooperation, responsibility, and respect. There are three types of parenting styles: permissive which is freedom without limits, autocratic which is limits without freedom, and active parenting which is freedom within limits. I learned a lot from the videos that had the many examples of different styles of parenting. One of them the mother was wondering how her son was doing and how he was worried about some things in high school. What we noticed that the mother did was she related to her own experiences, she didn't lecture, she validated his feelings, she was completely focused on him and not on other tasks like laundry. All of this will develop love and mutual respect between the parent and teenager.

Here's a great video from Elder Hales' talk on touching the hearts of the youth. Hope you enjoy!

I'm so glad when Dad comes home

I think we underestimate the power and the effect of fathers. I've known a lot of people who have not had a father in their life and it's been been really hard and effective their teenage years considerably. They need the stability and the effect will go along way. For me, I love my Dad and I have a lot of great memories of him. I remember sitting on his lap every Saturday during a BYU football game and enjoying it together. I grew up loving football because of it and it's been something that we do together still today. Another thing I remember is I was so excited to have him come home so when I knew he was on his way I would make a stance and when he came through the door I would run and jump into his arms. It was the best feeling to get his whisker kisses and hug him real tight. You just can't substitute that kind of feeling for anything.

Here is a video from the Church about fathers.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?locale=0&vgnextoid=bd163ca6e9aa3210VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD&channelId=bd163ca6e9aa3210VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD&sourceId=5b2ab0333ee92210VgnVCM100000176f620a____

Can you hear me now?........Good.

For so long we hear the root to all marriage problems come from lack of communication but after taking a marriage class and studying communication this week it's not that people lack on communication but the way they interpret it and how we portray it. Communication ranges from so many areas that it's hard to pick up the silent cues. Just from a wink to a eyes narrowing can express a variety of what we're feeling and thinking. Usually non verbal is the most effective. Our body language speaks louder than words.

My favorite part of this week was learning about counseling with our councils. I remember in my house when there was a family council I knew it meant serious business and I secretly loved them. I guess I was always interested in things like that. I remember my Dad presided and even at an early age my parents included us in decision making. That made an impact on me on I was viewed in the family as having a role to contribute.

I loved learning how the Brethern counsel together. I've heard Elder Bednar say that in one meeting Elder Oaks had this idea and presented it and the Brethern pulverise it. And Elder Oaks took it graciously and thanked the Brethern for his opinion. To me that would take a lot of humility to think you had this great idea and then to have it destroyed in a way by your peers.

It's interesting that they get at the temple early to chat with each other about their families and such. They sing hymns (I Need Thee Every Hour is the most frequent sung) and then they pray. After they discuss then they close with a prayer and have chocolate or pie! Now that it is a God sent plan for any counsel meeting :) I just had a meeting with my directors for service activities and I was thinking how much better it would have been with chocolate :)

Overall I hope to take counsel from the Brethern on how to effectually counsel our leaders but most importantly our families. These are the principles governed by God and they are the use for our benefit.

Partaking of the bitter cup without becoming bitter

That is probably one of my favorite sayings from Elder Neal A. Maxwell. He quotes that so often in his talks. But in dealing with coping and crisis that is truly how it is. We have to learn to partake of the bitterness without becoming bitter for that is how Christ did it.

It's how we respond to tragedy that builds or destroys our character. In our class we learned about the ABC model where A is the actual event, B is the behavioral response, and C is the cognition or how the family defines the stress depending on how they responded to it. There are too many examples to share but since my sister Meredith is one of the few that reads this I will share an example of how their family dealt with a stressful situation (don't you feel proud Mere that you're on my blog :). They got to Arizona not too long ago when their car got stolen and the people who stole it tried to set it on fire. When Meredith told her husband Bryan after he came home from a long day of medical school he said nonchalantly "well that sucks." Haha! To read more go to their blog post about it! But what a way to deal with a crisis-with humor :) It reminds me of something I saw about a town destroyed by fire and many houses were burned to the ground. On one of the lawns of the house there was a sign that said "finally-termite free."

But there are also tragedies that takes years to recover. I know that situations in our family right now that there our problems increase even when the blessings still flow. It's hard to put words how hard it has been for some of them. Sometimes we're in phases where we managed them as they come or we say that is the hardest thing our family has gone through. And some of the time we say that because of this crisis our family is better because of it and we've actually grown closer together.

One example that I overheard at work was a husband and wife had 10 children together. Three months after their last child was born, the mother passed away. The husband said "God I still believe in you but really? Do you really need her on the other side of the veil rather than on earth?" It wasn't out of anger but more of trying to understand. Years later when he related this story he looked at one of his sons as they were hometeaching and thought, "my kids would not be where they are today without that experience." To me, the mother died to save her kids in the gospel.

Of course the greatest Healer in all of this is Jesus Christ and because of His life and death He doesn't overwhelm us but helps us overcome the world. Here's a great video about it.

The grass is greener....

On the side you water. This is the same for marital fidelity. You can't be watering some old boyfriend's grass at the same time. It just doesn't work. You stick to your side with your spouse. I love what Pres. Monson said, "Choose your love. Love your choice." I especially love how he uses the words "fiercely loyal" to your spouse once your married. Something funny that Bro. Williams brought up yet true about the word intimate is basically saying in-to-my-mate.

The side you water is not the side of your origin of family. I remember a girl in my marriage class saying it was so hard after she got married to tell everything to her spouse and not to her mom or her girl friends who she was really close to. I used to hate that my friends changed and moved on with their lives once they got married and we didn't hang out as much and now I'm like that's the way it should be!

With regards to fidelity, it's even a problem in the Church and the sad thing is I've seen it happening and how it ended. You just can't take chances and there has to be specific boundaries with you and your spouse of what you're going to do to stay true to each other. I really like what someone brought up about how this relates to fraud in accounting. He said that there was an opportunity, an incentive, and then rationalization. With the increase spread of technology it's so become harder for members to maintain fidelity and easy for them to "rekindle" past relationships, especially through social networking like facebook. Not to mention the damaging effects of pornography. It was also interesting in my Doctrine and Covenants class that we were talking about the same thing about the scripture of cleaving unto thy wife and none else. This is not only to a person but to any other activity or distraction that would pull you away from your spouse. Bro. Baron told of a quote he heard from Elder Eyring at the time in 1994 where he said, "right now you can step into the river of wickedness and quickly come out but the time will come very soon where you it will be difficult to step into that same river and not be washed away." (It was something to that affect). What was interesting is that the internet was really launching in 1995 and we can see the enormous it has on good and evil.

Ok here is something that would apply to me only probably but I love period dramas and their plots are amazing but sometimes I secretly you watch them because of the attractive men (do you not?!) Thankfully I'm not into twilight but I never realized that I guess this series is destroying marriages like crazy and I'm not sure all of the reasons but sad to think that it was written by an LDS woman...anyway the reason I brought up period dramas and oh so handsome men is I guess from my class standpoint this could also be a form of infidelity because it's like if the husband said, "we're going to watch this great movie with Angelina Jolie because she's hot." yeah that wouldn't go well with the wife. So is the same with women and our lovely Mr. Darcy? I mean how could you not watch this guy in North and South (go ahead, take a look...wait! not if you're married don't look ;)

Another great video to watch put on by the Church.
http://lds.org/pages/mormon-messages-gallery?lang=eng&query=watch+your+step#watch-your-step

What are your thoughts on all of this?

Does the proposal matter?

That was one of the first questions presented in our class. It means does the proposal set up the marriage in some way? They say it's the foundation of what the marriage will be like. I had to chuckle because my brother just got engaged.......through skype! In China! Who does that? :) If the location of the proposal mattered with the outcome of the marriage then my bro should just throw in the towel. I agree that there should be a proposal but as for the details of it and whether that be a core foundation for the marriage is not settling to me. I think the foundation of the marriage comes from the courtship. It's all about the process.

We also described in class how when you're first married you set up the roles, rules, and expectations. How do you deal with money? How do you deal with conflict? My insights came a little more from how to deal with conflict. There are 10 areas of significant incompatibilities with expectations and roles, etc that lead to divorce. And there are 10 areas of significant incompatibilities with expectations and roles, etc that lead to successful marriage. So what's the difference? It's how they dealt with it.

I love using scriptures as examples of this and to learn from. I'm glad we went over it in class. We looked over Doctrine and Covenants 121:43 and went into depth of the meaning of some of the words according to the 1828 dictionary.

^aReproving betimes with ^bsharpness, when ^cmoved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of ^dlove toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;'

Betimes' means seasonally or in it's correct season and before it's too late. 'Sharpness' is with surgical precision. It's not the kind of sharpness we think of. 'Reproving' means correcting or find fault. We also went to what the word edifying means. It's the Latin word ediphus which means build an upward direction.

It's kinda interesting when we think that contention is not of the Spirit but yet we always feel the best time to discuss of our irritations are when we are angry. I think this will create more problems...Have you ever knelt in prayer to have the Holy Ghost with you before you discuss an issue calmly? I need to try this more often. I sometimes say things that I'm not thinking because of the heat of the moment and I'm just a wee bit frustrated (like for example last night during the BYU game and some "macho" guy comments about how bad BYU was doing and...yeah let's not talk it) :) Now can't you see an issue that is directly towards me?? :)

The stuff we talk about a lot in the Church (especially to us youngin's)

Yep, the word is dating.

I think in the last two weeks I've heard this mention in almost every talk that I've listened to on campus in classroom, devotional, forum, and stake conference setting. But I'm so grateful for it. I feel like I'm learning new things every time but also solidifying things that I'm familiar with. In class we talked about how we are attracted to people that are similar to us in likes, education, proximity, and background.

We talked about how we date is to see how the other fulfills marriage roles. For example, the rule of thumb about a date according to Elder Oaks is that it's planned, paid for, and paired off. We correlated this to the Proclamation where it states that men's role is to provide, preside, and protect. We can line these 6 P's and we really do see how dating let's us see the other fulfill their role. And us as women should nurture his capacity to fulfill his responsibilities.

About the same time that I'm learning about marriage and dating in Family Relations I'm learning about what makes a good marriage partner according to psychologist Alfred Adler in my personality class. Three things for a marriage partner that is essential is that the person can obtain and maintain friendship, learns the ability to work and is interested in it, and devote themselves to the other person. To me that is amazing and very true. What was also neat is my professor shared a story of when he was trying to make a decision about who he was to marry. He was attending BYU at the time and Hugh Nibley was one of his professors. He knew him pretty well and came in at times just to chat. One time he asked Bro. Nibley if he and his wife shared the same interest in reading. He told him not a bit and he thinks that his wife reads the most ridiculous things and she thinks he reads the most ridiculous things! (I had to laugh at that part because I was like Hugh Nibley reading ridiculous things?!) Then Bro. Nibley gave some great advice to my teacher: As long as you see the Gospel eye to eye then the rest doesn't matter (or something of that sort). The next part is what I love the best. He said "If you marry a person who's committed to God then you don't need to worry if he/she's committed to you. Your covenant when you marry is really a covenant to God about this person rather than a covenant to the other person.

That reminded in my marriage class last semester where we read Goddard's book "Drawing Heaven into you marriage" (read it!) He said that he finally realized 30 years later what his marriage covenant was all about. It was covenanting to the Lord that he would be the Lord's partner in comforting Nancy (his wife), loving Nancy, and eventually saving Nancy because that is the Lord's work and glory.

Anyway I've learned so much and even though I have little experience in dating I really have no worries about it. I just keep doing the right things and being the right person and I will eventually get to that point in the temple where I can covenant with God.

As for now, I'll go read a Hugh Nibley book.